Today as I was returning from a walk, I changed the music to bring down my heart rate.
The song "Get It Right" from Glee came up next on my playlist:
What have I done?
I wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?
I recently started dating. Yes, you heard that right..."recently started dating." No, I didn't forget to mention "again." This is an entirely new thing for me.
I recently went on my 3rd date...EVER. He couldn't believe it. I rarely believe it myself. We went on 2 dates, but he still asked me to confirm that I had only my 3rd and 4th date with him. On this fourth date of mine (our 2nd), he made an assumption and went on to state that I haven't been hurt then. Before I could answer, he went on to talk about other things. If he had taken the time to listen (not that I was entirely sure I was ready to dig deep into this topic and share with him my past), he would have come to know that I have been hurt deeply. If he had taken the time to find out what I really meant when I stated earlier that I didn't date because I was focusing on God...he would know I meant that my focus on God was to learn to trust Him after I had lost all trust for the people around me. Not condemning the guy. He couldn't have known.
In the span of a few short years, I lost 3 dear friends that I thought God put them in my path for marriage. I spent the last 5 years trying to find my faith, hope, and trust back in Jesus. Learning that only my trust in Him and His love for me will carry me in any relationships that I form. That includes my relationship with my siblings, parents, friends, etc.
When this song came on, I was thinking about those times and how I would question myself over and over again. What have I done? Why was I not enough? Why did they not want me? How can I fix this? Can I fix this? I never got my answers, so the pain lingered.
I asked God what would it take for me to be enough? What am I doing wrong? What can I do to keep the world from crumbling around me? How many times will it take? How many times will it take for me to get it right?
People are good, though. "If he turned away from you, then he wasn't right." "You will find someone better." I hated when people would say this, especially when I was in my teen years, because of course I was naive back then. I admit it. A little bit later, I made it my mantra. I would move forward and say (with a "praise you, Jesus" tone), "If this isn't the guy, thank you, Lord for having someone better out there for me." It made the blows land just a little bit lighter. The last few blows though had me running for 5 years.
When 2018 rolled around, I knew God was telling me to start making some changes of preparation. I began to take care of myself: physically, mentally, spiritually. I knew He was telling me that I am ready and I need to trust Him.
Trusting Him, I entered the dating world. With this step, I began to be bombarded from every side about what to say, not say. Do, not do. Wear, not wear. My brain wanted to explode. I did want the input because I had no idea what I was doing. The hard part was when the world began to sound louder than His voice. The world drowned Him out. With this guy ending things, I got lost in the noise and I was trying to blindly find God again.
You've heard the stories. Seen the movies. Parents walk into a mall or fair (crowded area) holding their child's hand one minute, the next minute....No one can find the child. That's how I felt.
This song reminded me of a time where in the midst of doing everything I thought was right: being a woman of God, living by His Word, waiting until marriage...everything was still falling apart. I couldn't come up for air long enough to take a breath before I was pulled back under. It also made me realize how this time I am still those things, and things may not be going the way I would like for them to go, but God is right there. I am trusting Him. The crowds have cleared and through an opening I see my Father. Standing there smiling at me. Letting me know that even though I lost sight of Him for a minute. He never took His eyes off me.
The rest of the song goes like this:
Can I start again, with my faith shaken?
Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this.
So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish, yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care.
So how many times will it take for me?......until I get it right.
Thank you, God, for loving me always and forever.
Jeremiah 29:11
As always, if you are going through some struggles of your own with trusting God's plan for your life and you need someone to talk to, you can always just shoot me an email: lisavikprik@gmail.com
I will do my best to get back to you A.S.A.P.
